A Few Jokes
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Author:  merchant42 [ 17 Jan 2018 17:47 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

There was a biology student Murdock who was studying balance in sea birds with a specific focus on terns.
He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some clutch to the problems of balance in 3D space.
This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.
Murdock filled out thousands of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way.
After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.
With trembling hands, he delivered his 347-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.
The august body perused his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing Murdock to jell. Finally, the department head talked.
The light reflected off her horn-rimmed glasses as she stared down at Murdock.
“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”
Murdock turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”
“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern unstoned.”

Author:  rbrewr [ 17 Jan 2018 20:43 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

good one ;eyes1 :clap: :clap: :clap:

Author:  tomrca [ 18 Jan 2018 17:24 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Give me some thc instead of wasting it on spuggies

Author:  merchant42 [ 27 Jan 2018 03:10 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

8 words with 2 meanings...

1.THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.

3.COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4.COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5.ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6.FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7.MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8.REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


He said..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants, don't you?

He said...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said.... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
the sofa and fart!

He said...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said...... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Author:  merchant42 [ 27 Jan 2018 03:12 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Three men are sitting stiffly, side by side, on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has levelled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says,

distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, Royal Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, Fleet Air Arm, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the centre seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims,

"Chief Pretty Officer, Australian Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Certainly not," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for $10?"
Soldier: "Sure, mate."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!
Do you have change for $10?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy boss to the bewildered sailor, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,

you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Sir!" the sailor replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in a queue again!"

Author:  tomrca [ 29 Jan 2018 21:21 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif
Brilliant the previous post

Author:  rbrewr [ 31 Jan 2018 02:27 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Women are more than twice as likely to climax during intercourse if their partner has extremely symmetrical features, Men with extremely symmetrical features are less attentive to their partners and more inclined to cheat on them.

Author:  merchant42 [ 01 Feb 2018 05:45 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison.
The warden takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly old timer so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble.
So the old timer teachs the youngster the rules of the prison, what to do, what not to do, stuff like that.
One of the rules he learns is that there is no talking allowed during meals.
A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner is a bit confused.
In the large mess hall, once everyone is seated, one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says, “47.”
Everyone in the hall laughs hysterically.
A few minutes later, another prisoner stands up and loudly says, “19.” Again, a torrent of laughter from everyone.
This goes on throughout the meal.
Later, when the youngster and the old timer get back to their cell, the young man asks, “What was going in the mess hall tonight? I thought you said there was no talking allowed.”
“Ah, yes, the mess hall.
Well years ago, the warden eased up on that rule a bit, the one that disallows talking at meals.
You see, all of us inmates have memorized a long list of jokes and stories by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its number, and, because we have all of the stories memorized, it’s like someone told the whole funny story.”
The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off to sleep. After a few weeks of this mealtime behavior, the young man gets up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a story.
So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says, “26.” No one laughs. Not even a twitter. So he tries again, “26.” Still nothing.
He sits down sheepishly and embarrassed.
Later, he pleads with the old timer to explain what happened.
“That is such a good story, number 26, how come no one laughed.”
The old man turned to him and explained, “It’s the way you told it.”

Author:  merchant42 [ 05 Feb 2018 18:22 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mummy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.
My mom is a good cook."

And here is the best one.

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago"
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Author:  merchant42 [ 12 Feb 2018 18:41 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Words that are difficult to say when Drunk !

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
8. No, you are too young and beautiful to take me home.

Author:  merchant42 [ 12 Feb 2018 18:43 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours’ worth of food
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked a real prat on the bus this morning!

Author:  tomrca [ 14 Feb 2018 21:39 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

th_lmao1-vi.gif :icecube: th_lmao1-vi.gif

Author:  rbrewr [ 15 Feb 2018 03:21 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Years ago, Nebraskans got tired of leaning into the wind, having their top soil blown away, and chickens laying their eggs two and three times.
Seems the wind continually came down from Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Nebraska to stop it.
The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence across the North Border of the State of Nebraska. . . . the idea being, to stop that cold wind.
It might’ve worked, too.
The barbed wire they used was strong enough, .but the real problem was that a couple owners of farms on the upper boarder kept leaving their gates open.

Author:  merchant42 [ 17 Feb 2018 05:00 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

A homeless guy is traveling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the "George and the Dragon."

Although it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.

The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out of a window.

"Could I have some food?" he asks.

The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"

"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"

"No!" she says again.

"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"

"No!" By this time, she was shouting.

The down-and-out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman shouts impatiently.

"Might I please have a word with George?

Author:  merchant42 [ 17 Feb 2018 17:15 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!

Author:  rbrewr [ 19 Feb 2018 04:44 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Not so funny ;eyes1

Author:  tomrca [ 23 Feb 2018 09:17 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

:puke :puke :puke :puke :puke :puke :puke :puke :puke :puke :puke :puke :puke :puke

Author:  merchant42 [ 28 Feb 2018 17:30 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Years ago, an old Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ace was speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough.

The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared."

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up and realized that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.

The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."

"Yes, that's true," says the old pilot, "but these Fokkers were flying Messerschmitts.

Author:  merchant42 [ 01 Mar 2018 14:37 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”
Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”
Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers:

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal.

The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”

Author:  merchant42 [ 03 Mar 2018 03:52 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself: “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out:

“No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”

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