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A Few Jokes
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Author:  merchant42 [ 04 Nov 2017 03:45 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

APPARENTLY THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM AUSTRALIAN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5) "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7) "This young guy has delusions of adequacy."

8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12) "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.."

14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15) "He's been working with glue too much."

16) "He would argue with a signpost."

17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection.."

22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."

23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."

24) "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28) "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sp*rm."

29) "One neuron short of a synapse."

30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."

32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Author:  tomrca [ 06 Nov 2017 21:31 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Love those quotations th_lmao1-vi.gif

Author:  tomrca [ 13 Nov 2017 10:23 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

A man and his nephew Simon were in a boating accident. Nephew was badly injured and lost an arm, foot and internal injuries. Unfortunately the man did not survive nevertheless the surgeons used his limbs an internal organs to save the nephew.

A number of years later the nephew appeared on stars in their eyes, Mathew Kelly said to Simon, you have a story to tell that brought you to stars I their eyes don't you ? The nephew told Mathew Kelly the story of how his uncle had an accident and he and are now always together now.

After this story Mathew Kelly looked at the lucky young man and asked who are you going to be tonight he replied tonight Mathew I'm going to be Simon and halfuncle.

Author:  rbrewr [ 18 Nov 2017 06:41 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Well Tom, The economist declares that if a fence were necessary the market would have provided one.

Author:  rbrewr [ 18 Nov 2017 06:41 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Well Tom, The economist declares that if a fence were necessary the market would have provided one.

Author:  rbrewr [ 18 Nov 2017 06:43 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Well Tom, The economist declares that if a fence were necessary the market would have provided one.
[arsekiss]

Author:  merchant42 [ 28 Nov 2017 18:38 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Diane Abbott visited Vincent Nichols, Archbishop of Westminster.

She told the Archbishop that Jeremy Corbyn would be attending the next day's Mass and she asked if the Archbishop would kindly point him out to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Jeremy a saint.

The Archbishop replied, "No. I don't really like the man and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic church over certain of his views."

Abbott then said, "Look, I'll write a cheque here and now for a donation of £250,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation that you see Jeremy as a saint."

The Archbishop thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Abbott had indicated, Jeremy Corbyn appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the centre aisle.

As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Archbishop pointed out that Mr Corbyn was present.


The Archbishop went on to explain to the congregation, "While Mr Corbyn's presence is probably an honour to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favourite personages. Some of his most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Jeremy Corbyn is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. He is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Jeremy Corbyn is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He falsely obtained Union money and is using this wealth to lie to the British People. He also has a reputation for shirking his representative obligations. The man is simply not to be trusted.

The Archbishop concluded, "but, when compared with Dianne Abbott, Jeremy Corbyn is a saint."

Author:  merchant42 [ 12 Dec 2017 20:01 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Image

Author:  merchant42 [ 12 Dec 2017 20:05 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Image

Author:  rbrewr [ 12 Dec 2017 20:45 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Great merchant42 th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif .
I shall take this opportunity to wish you a very happy Xmas & new year.
Reg

Author:  merchant42 [ 13 Dec 2017 02:54 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

And too you and all at Sailor's Home A very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to You All !!

Author:  merchant42 [ 28 Dec 2017 16:37 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

Author:  rbrewr [ 29 Dec 2017 04:02 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Now that is a good one
Attachment:
kitten.jpg

Author:  merchant42 [ 30 Dec 2017 02:51 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Getting old !

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop hissing me off.

#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.

#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.

Author:  Les [ 30 Dec 2017 21:33 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

#17 I find that the older I get the stronger I get. A while ago it was impossible to bend the old fellow when aroused but now I find I can do it with ease.

Author:  tomrca [ 03 Jan 2018 11:59 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

I would say almost every one of those is me .
Now then les still use mine for hanging the wet bath towel on instead of dumping it on the bathroom floor

Author:  tomrca [ 12 Jan 2018 23:10 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

I would say almost every one of those is me .
Now then les still use mine for hanging the wet bath towel on instead of dumping it on the bathroom floor

Author:  merchant42 [ 14 Jan 2018 16:20 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

Federal Court Ruling From Australia.
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his Aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. ,
When the judge suggsested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they to beat him.
After. Considering the rest of the family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket team to which the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.

Author:  tomrca [ 16 Jan 2018 09:01 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif that will be a stinging blow to british cricket

Author:  merchant42 [ 17 Jan 2018 17:43 ]
Post subject:  Re: A Few Jokes

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

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