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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2301  PostPosted: 09 Jan 2017 17:52 
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The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president ,
Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says,

"So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up
again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.. And a limousine will
pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry, Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer
in New York ; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021 , Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the
United States . In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and
says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ??"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2302  PostPosted: 18 Jan 2017 17:52 
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During a commercial airline flight a Navy Chief was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The Chief pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Chief sadly shook his head, and in true sailor fashion exclaimed........ And all these years I've been chewing gum.



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2303  PostPosted: 23 Jan 2017 09:37 
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hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

poor donald is getting some stick

VIVA LA DONALD usflag:



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2304  PostPosted: 23 Jan 2017 18:18 
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SUCH COMPASSION;

DEAR MR. MURPHY,


We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your
penis showed it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2305  PostPosted: 23 Jan 2017 18:23 
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[url=https://postimg.org/image/cwtmuu64b/]Image[/url



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2306  PostPosted: 02 Feb 2017 19:49 
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[url=https://postimg.org/image/keloce64b/]Image[/url



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2307  PostPosted: 07 Feb 2017 04:31 
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What's the difference between making yoghurt and making an Sunderland baby ?
With yoghurt you have start with a bit of culture. :wave;



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2308  PostPosted: 12 Feb 2017 11:07 
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th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif
[Clint.gif]

could do with a better footy team too ;footy



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2309  PostPosted: 26 Feb 2017 21:45 
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Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil in forms him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When
he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.

Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.

Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.

The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2310  PostPosted: 26 Feb 2017 21:48 
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'


The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'


The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2311  PostPosted: 27 Feb 2017 03:12 
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Custom: LORD REGINALD OF THE MANOR!
;eyes1 :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :drunk: :drunk: :drunk: :drunk:



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2312  PostPosted: 28 Feb 2017 08:16 
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:lmao: I've seen this before and it still gives me a good hardy laugh!:D



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2313  PostPosted: 28 Feb 2017 08:17 
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merchant42 wrote:

Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.

The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :pirate:



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2314  PostPosted: 28 Feb 2017 08:20 
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tomrca wrote:
hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

poor donald is getting some stick

VIVA LA DONALD usflag:

I love our Donald! I do NOT agree with all his policies but his WORST policies are often better than the progressive lefts BEST ones. At least we are not faced with being under Sharia Law "THIS" year...



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2315  PostPosted: 01 Mar 2017 10:29 
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this is what happens if you disagree with with left democratic liberals which is the equivalent of obama and clinton



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2316  PostPosted: 07 Mar 2017 18:12 
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The Bloke that invented predictive text has sadly passed away today..

His Funfare will be held next monkey..



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2317  PostPosted: 07 Mar 2017 20:01 
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2318  PostPosted: 08 Mar 2017 18:46 
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Sage Advice !!
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Last edited by tomrca on 10 Mar 2017 01:13, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: fix img link



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2319  PostPosted: 10 Mar 2017 01:15 
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hands up who's never been there???? NONE! :lmao:



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2320  PostPosted: 10 Mar 2017 01:19 
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merchant42 wrote:
The Bloke that invented predictive text has sadly passed away today..

His Funfare will be held next monkey..



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