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 Post subject: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#1  PostPosted: 23 Apr 2013 20:44 
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Location: Paisley Scotland
A man invites his friend back home for dinner.

The wife screams at him . . ."I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking!

What did you invite him around for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

*********************************************************************

*An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed
from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy
with her treatment.*

*It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am
depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to
come so I can finally meet Allah."
*
*Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be
an appropriate or correct response!...*

************************************************************************

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2  PostPosted: 23 Apr 2013 20:45 
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A man walks into a bar and orders 20 pints of Guinness. He lines them up on the bar and announces that he’ll give £100 to the man who can drink all of them. Patrick sticks up his hand and says he’d like a go if the man can wait half an hour.
Patrick then leaves the pub, comes back 30 minutes later and downs the 20 pints one after another.
The man is impressed and hands over the money, ‘But tell me,’ he asks. ‘Where did you go to for that half an hour?’ ‘Ah, well,’ says Patrick. ‘Before I took your bet I popped to the pub next door to see if I could do it.’

**************************************************************************

There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.

One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say 'It could have been worse' as he always does!"

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first deputy.

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!!"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.
"You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in that there bed!"



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#3  PostPosted: 23 Apr 2013 20:46 
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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.


He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'


London Lawyer says, 'What for?'


Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'


London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'


Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.


License And registration, please.'


London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'


Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'


London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'


Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'


The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the c##p out of the lawyer with it and says,
'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#4  PostPosted: 23 Apr 2013 20:47 
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The pompous club pro was challenged to a round of golf by
one of the less experienced members for a prize of £100.
The pro, smiling to himself, immediately took up the
challenge, “but,” said his partner, “as long as you agree that
I can have two ‘geronimos’.” Not knowing what these were,
but confident in his own ability, the club pro agrees. At the
end of the round, the other members are astonished to see
the pro handing over £100.
“We can’t believe it” they said. “What happened?”
“Well, I was just swinging my club down for the first hole,
when my partner grabs me by the bollocks and shouts
‘geronimo’.” Imagine trying to play the next 17 holes,
waiting for the second one.”



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#5  PostPosted: 23 Apr 2013 20:48 
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The poor man had a dreadful medical problem, so he went
along to the chemist to see if they could help him.
Unfortunately, the shop was owned by two spinsters, but it
was too late to walk out, so blushing profusely, he explained
that he had a permanent erection and what could they give
him for it.
“Just a moment, Sir” and the two women went into the back
room to confer.
A couple of minutes later, they returned smiling happily.
“Okay, we’ve talked it over and we can offer you a half
partnership in the shop and £1,000 cash.”

**************************************************************************

As the young girl leaves school for home, a car draws up and
a man leans across, saying, “Hello, let me give you a lift
home.”
“No thanks,” she says firmly and heads on up the road.
The car follows and again the man speaks to her.
“Come on, get in, I’ve bought you a comic.”
“No, I don’t want to,” she cries and starts to run.
The car catches her up again and the man says, “Look, it’s
starting to rain, you’re going to get so wet if you don’t get
in.”
“How many times do I have to say no?” she screams. “It was
your choice to buy the Lada but it doesn’t mean I have to
ride in it, Dad.”



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#6  PostPosted: 24 Apr 2013 19:16 
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th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif. Bloody great :clap:



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#7  PostPosted: 25 Apr 2013 15:40 
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“I hope you don’t mind me asking,” said the young
American girl to the Scotsman, “but I’ve often wondered
what you wear under your kilt.”
The Scotsman replied that if she was really curious to know,
then she could put her hand up his kilt and find out for
herself.
So, a little apprehensively, she did as he suggested and put
her hand under his kilt.
“Aaagh, it’s gruesome,” she screamed, quickly removing her
hand.
“Aye, it is that, lass,” replied the Scotsman, “and if you put
your hand up again, you’ll find it’s gruesome more.”



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#8  PostPosted: 25 Apr 2013 15:41 
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I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.'

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. '

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#9  PostPosted: 25 Apr 2013 15:42 
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On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde Welsh waitress:

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"











The girl leaned over and said,"Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#10  PostPosted: 25 Apr 2013 15:43 
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went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to $hit yourself, road-kill chili". Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day your butt cheeks might burn off!

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about & dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, sh**, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. I watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.. ......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal ass-plosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch! Did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. ba**ards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#11  PostPosted: 25 Apr 2013 15:45 
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In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of .. . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.


In the defenses closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that the accused would probably be convicted, gave a sly smile to his client then resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a big surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement but you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, thus I have no doubt that you must return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate.

A short while later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But why?" inquired the lawyer.
"You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied:

"Yes, WE did all look, BUT YOUR CLIENT DIDN'T!!



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#12  PostPosted: 25 Apr 2013 15:46 
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BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT


These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little ba**ard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#13  PostPosted: 25 Apr 2013 15:47 
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During a ladys Medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and
blood pressure are all fine.


Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."


The lady starts taking off her underwear but is
interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#14  PostPosted: 25 Apr 2013 15:48 
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During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't
contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#15  PostPosted: 25 Apr 2013 15:49 
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Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After
finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up,she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever..
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.

Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#16  PostPosted: 25 Apr 2013 15:50 
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Someone asked me, “Now that you’re retired, do you still have something to occupy your time?”

I replied, “Yes I am my wife's sexual counsellor."

Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my f**king advice, she'll ask me for it.”



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#17  PostPosted: 25 Apr 2013 15:50 
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A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.

His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back".

The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing.

"What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Here boy," said the farmer.



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#18  PostPosted: 26 Apr 2013 15:33 
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"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#19  PostPosted: 26 Apr 2013 15:33 
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Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to
Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today

I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn.
You
show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.* ****

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door.

Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy
blonde, the man asks,*****

'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very
confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,* ......

'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#20  PostPosted: 26 Apr 2013 15:34 
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An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"



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