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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2341  PostPosted: 25 Jul 2017 18:17 
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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a man from Aberdeen who had the same rare blood type was located working on the supply vessels. After quite a lot of coaxing, he was persuaded to donate his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation. The man and his wife, of course, were overjoyed.

A few months later, the surgeons found that the Arab's recovery was not going quite to plan and decided that he would have to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who, this time, was more than happy to donate his blood.

Following the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and complained, "I thought you would be more generous than that - last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2342  PostPosted: 25 Jul 2017 18:20 
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My wife left me because of my obsession with the monkeys,

" I thought she was joking...then, I saw her face..............



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2343  PostPosted: 25 Jul 2017 18:37 
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A learner failed the written driving test 4 times.

At the fifth attempt, the person was determined to pass. But the test had the same question: "You are driving at 60 mph. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road, you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit ?"

The person walked up to the examiner and said, "I've answered this question all four ways, wall, cliff, young man, old man. Yet I failed all four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit?"

Examiner : "The brakes!!!"



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2344  PostPosted: 25 Jul 2017 18:42 
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2345  PostPosted: 26 Jul 2017 00:10 
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Good one's, Keep them coming ... :lmao:
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2346  PostPosted: 26 Jul 2017 01:28 
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2347  PostPosted: 26 Jul 2017 22:23 
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Think he means me. Lololololol



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2348  PostPosted: 03 Aug 2017 18:23 
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A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon (or 6.9 l/100 km).

Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid.

--------------------------------------

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 000 on his mobile phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting."

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

How long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

-----------------------------------

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."


-----------------------------

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father, how about you."

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

----------------------------

police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- put me down for a five."

-------------------------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

When he approached the gates of Heaven, St Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

---------------------------

"The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?

"He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"---------



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2349  PostPosted: 15 Aug 2017 17:59 
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DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
______________________________ _____________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
______________________________ _____________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
______________________________ _____________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
______________________________ _____________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
______________________________ _____________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. Their DNA's all match.
2. There are no dental records.
______________________________ _____________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' she says, and hangs up.
______________________________ _____________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
______________________________ _____________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
______________________________ _____________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
______________________________ _____________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a
bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
______________________________ _____________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder,
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance....
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2350  PostPosted: 16 Aug 2017 09:13 
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I can relate to a few of those that's for sure th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2351  PostPosted: 25 Aug 2017 03:26 
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Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.

"Your Queenship, “he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned.

"But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here."

The Prime Minister walked into the room.

“You called for me, Your Majesty?"

"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me."

"Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.

Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office.

“Mike, answer this for me," said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”

"I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.

Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.

The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.

“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me.

“Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”

“Thanks, said Pence,” It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, “Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!"

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2352  PostPosted: 25 Aug 2017 17:17 
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Always get a 2nd opinion.

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So, I went to a psychiatrist and told him:
"I've got a problem. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist.
"Talk to me 3 times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"One hundred fifty pounds per visit." Said the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it." I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.
"Well, £150 a visit, 3 times a week for a year, is £23,400.00. A bartender cured me for £10.00." "I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new 4x4."

"Is that so?” said the doctor, with a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. There's nobody under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion . . .



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2353  PostPosted: 25 Aug 2017 21:44 
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A lot of good advice among those ones even thought they are in jest.
th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2354  PostPosted: 25 Aug 2017 21:49 
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A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. 
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.' 
:wave;



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2355  PostPosted: 11 Sep 2017 17:37 
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♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?



♦ I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.



♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.



♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?



♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.



♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.



♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?



♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.



♦ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.



♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.



♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.



♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2356  PostPosted: 19 Sep 2017 18:11 
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Getting Old (how many apply to you ?!!!!)

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop hissing me off.

#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.

#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2357  PostPosted: 19 Sep 2017 19:08 
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99% them.



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2358  PostPosted: 10 Oct 2017 17:02 
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Having a few grogs with a group of mates the other night when one of the younger guys, Tommo, announced that he'd just broken up with his missus.
"What happened, Tommo? I thought you and Shirl were a very happy couple?" asked Freddie.
"Dunno, Fred, just came home last night and she was gone, with all of the furniture too. Never, ever had an argument, so can't work it out."
Donny, who knew everything about everything said, "I reckon you're to blame, Tommo. I was reading on the Internet a while ago, that the biggest cause of marriage break-ups is bad sex."
"That's bullshit," piped up Tony, "Good sex can break up a marriage too, even great sex."
"How'd you work that out?" we all asked at once, leaning in towards him, all ears.
"Well, it happened to me."
"How so?" we wanted to know, disbelieving him.
Tony looked at each one of us and with a grin said,"I got caught shagging my next door neighbour's young missus!"



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2359  PostPosted: 15 Oct 2017 04:10 
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A women was in a Yorkshire prison waiting to be hung.
 
The hangman went into her cell to carry out the final  preparations for the hanging and found her stark naked.
 
"Eh up what's all this" the hangman asked
 
" Yours if you keep your trap  shut" replied the woman.

Reg



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2360  PostPosted: 16 Oct 2017 17:03 
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Why did the British wear red coats in battle?

During Prince Williams royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that he had chosen to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."
Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.



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