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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2321  PostPosted: 10 Mar 2017 18:06 
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2322  PostPosted: 17 Mar 2017 03:23 
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The Welsh invented condoms. They were invented in 1670, by using the uterus of a sheep.  The Scottish improved it a few years later by taking it out of the sheep first !!! 



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2323  PostPosted: 09 Apr 2017 14:28 
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ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:

This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.Do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my pension book.
It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my National Health card.
My driving licence.
My car insurance.
On the last eight damn passports I've had.
It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I'm really pi**d off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes working' there?
Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go and park my **** on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
if I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f*****g people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another f*****g copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the f****n' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some ******** to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic f****n' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pi**d off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor .

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN !



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2324  PostPosted: 12 Apr 2017 01:59 
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Lawyers don't lie.

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a Home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.

He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their children.

He took the remaining one with him to see homes with a real estate agent.

He liked one of the homes and the agent asked "How many children do you have? He answered: "12 children."

The agent asked "Where are the others?

The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother."

And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

MORAL: It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words.

Lawyers don't Lie ...they are creative ........and don't forget:

Most politicians are lawyers......



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2325  PostPosted: 12 Apr 2017 02:51 
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HOW TRUE
:wave; Reg.



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2326  PostPosted: 24 Apr 2017 08:10 
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i remember a scouse comedian called tom o'connor reading out letters from parents with excuses why their children were late or absent from school... hilarious



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2327  PostPosted: 03 May 2017 04:43 
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2328  PostPosted: 03 May 2017 16:58 
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They were serenely sailing along on a moonlight night somewhere in the Carribean, on a small cruise ship.
Taff, a stunningly handsome AB, was sat in a deck chair and looking at the figure facing him leaning nonchalantly on the rail, returning Taff's penetrating gaze.
"You know," said Taff, "This is such a romantic setting don't you think?"
His companion said, "Yes Taff, it is and I'm pleased to be here, sharing it with you."
Taff went on, "You know when I look towards the sky and the dazzling stars, I see you. When I look towards the huge moon, rising on the horizon, I see you and when I gaze out across the sparkling ocean towards the beam of moonlight streaming in our direction from the horizon, I see you."
"You do, Taff?"
"Yes, now move out of my fkn way you fat ba**ard!"



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2329  PostPosted: 04 May 2017 02:16 
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Tom OR Les after a romantic fling .
Reg


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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2330  PostPosted: 04 May 2017 08:53 
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2331  PostPosted: 11 May 2017 17:19 
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Mrs Jones frog-marches her neighbour's ten-year-old son to his house. She is very angry as she bangs her fist on the door.
Mrs Smith opens it and sees Mrs Jones holding her son by his ear. He is crying.
"What's up, Blodwyn?" she asks, surprised by the look of anger on the other woman's face.
"Sheryl, you won't believe what Billy's been doing in the toilets after school." said Blodwyn.
"What on earth has he been doing that's got you so fired up?"
"Well, the teachers caught him playing doctors and nurses with my eight-year-old Daisy."
Sheryl burst out laughing, "Oh, is that all? You had me all worried for a minute there. It's only natural that they should be curious about sex at that age, Blod, or have you forgotten? We can't be too harsh on them for doing what comes naturally."
"Curious about sex?" screams Blodwyn at her friend, "He's just taken her fkn appendix out!"



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2332  PostPosted: 27 May 2017 04:00 
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2333  PostPosted: 27 May 2017 08:16 
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In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
That’s a pretty good summer for Wales.
Reg [unionflag]



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2334  PostPosted: 27 May 2017 18:20 
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2335  PostPosted: 01 Jun 2017 02:36 
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2336  PostPosted: 08 Jun 2017 18:23 
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2337  PostPosted: 12 Jul 2017 01:50 
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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."



Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"

"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive ba**ard."







Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."



As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.



I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked.

I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered the local cafe serves breakfast until 11:30AM.



"Jesus Loves You."

Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.



Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.



I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"

I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."



A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,‎ six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2338  PostPosted: 12 Jul 2017 02:13 
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All good stuff but Charlie was off to see the queen.



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2339  PostPosted: 12 Jul 2017 07:00 
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That's a couple of the best I've heard for a while "to late paperwork is done", lololol



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2340  PostPosted: 25 Jul 2017 18:12 
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BREAKING NEWS !!
Teacher Arrested
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
...Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President



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