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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2381  PostPosted: 17 Jan 2018 17:47 
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There was a biology student Murdock who was studying balance in sea birds with a specific focus on terns.
He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some clutch to the problems of balance in 3D space.
This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.
Murdock filled out thousands of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way.
After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.
With trembling hands, he delivered his 347-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.
The august body perused his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing Murdock to jell. Finally, the department head talked.
The light reflected off her horn-rimmed glasses as she stared down at Murdock.
“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”
Murdock turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”
“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern unstoned.”



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2382  PostPosted: 17 Jan 2018 20:43 
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Custom: LORD REGINALD OF THE MANOR!
good one ;eyes1 :clap: :clap: :clap:



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2383  PostPosted: 18 Jan 2018 17:24 
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Give me some thc instead of wasting it on spuggies



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2384  PostPosted: 27 Jan 2018 03:10 
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8 words with 2 meanings...

1.THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.

3.COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4.COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5.ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6.FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7.MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8.REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND

He said..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants, don't you?

He said...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said.... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
the sofa and fart!

He said...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said...... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2385  PostPosted: 27 Jan 2018 03:12 
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Three men are sitting stiffly, side by side, on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has levelled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says,

distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, Royal Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, Fleet Air Arm, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the centre seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims,

"Chief Pretty Officer, Australian Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.




During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Certainly not," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."




Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for $10?"
Soldier: "Sure, mate."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!
Do you have change for $10?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"



Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.




"Well," snarled the tough old Navy boss to the bewildered sailor, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,

you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Sir!" the sailor replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in a queue again!"



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2386  PostPosted: 29 Jan 2018 21:21 
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th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif
Brilliant the previous post



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2387  PostPosted: 31 Jan 2018 02:27 
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Custom: LORD REGINALD OF THE MANOR!
Women are more than twice as likely to climax during intercourse if their partner has extremely symmetrical features, Men with extremely symmetrical features are less attentive to their partners and more inclined to cheat on them.
Reg



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2388  PostPosted: 01 Feb 2018 05:45 
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A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison.
The warden takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly old timer so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble.
So the old timer teachs the youngster the rules of the prison, what to do, what not to do, stuff like that.
One of the rules he learns is that there is no talking allowed during meals.
A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner is a bit confused.
In the large mess hall, once everyone is seated, one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says, “47.”
Everyone in the hall laughs hysterically.
A few minutes later, another prisoner stands up and loudly says, “19.” Again, a torrent of laughter from everyone.
This goes on throughout the meal.
Later, when the youngster and the old timer get back to their cell, the young man asks, “What was going in the mess hall tonight? I thought you said there was no talking allowed.”
“Ah, yes, the mess hall.
Well years ago, the warden eased up on that rule a bit, the one that disallows talking at meals.
You see, all of us inmates have memorized a long list of jokes and stories by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its number, and, because we have all of the stories memorized, it’s like someone told the whole funny story.”
The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off to sleep. After a few weeks of this mealtime behavior, the young man gets up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a story.
So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says, “26.” No one laughs. Not even a twitter. So he tries again, “26.” Still nothing.
He sits down sheepishly and embarrassed.
Later, he pleads with the old timer to explain what happened.
“That is such a good story, number 26, how come no one laughed.”
The old man turned to him and explained, “It’s the way you told it.”



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2389  PostPosted: 05 Feb 2018 18:22 
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"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mummy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"


Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"


The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.
My mom is a good cook."

And here is the best one.

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago"
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2390  PostPosted: 12 Feb 2018 18:41 
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Words that are difficult to say when Drunk !

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon



WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate



WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
8. No, you are too young and beautiful to take me home.



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2391  PostPosted: 12 Feb 2018 18:43 
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The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours’ worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked a real prat on the bus this morning!



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2392  PostPosted: 14 Feb 2018 21:39 
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Location: Sunderland
th_lmao1-vi.gif :icecube: th_lmao1-vi.gif



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2393  PostPosted: 15 Feb 2018 03:21 
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Custom: LORD REGINALD OF THE MANOR!
Years ago, Nebraskans got tired of leaning into the wind, having their top soil blown away, and chickens laying their eggs two and three times.
Seems the wind continually came down from Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Nebraska to stop it.
The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence across the North Border of the State of Nebraska. . . . the idea being, to stop that cold wind.
It might’ve worked, too.
The barbed wire they used was strong enough, .but the real problem was that a couple owners of farms on the upper boarder kept leaving their gates open.



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2394  PostPosted: 17 Feb 2018 05:00 
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A homeless guy is traveling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the "George and the Dragon."


Although it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.


The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out of a window.


"Could I have some food?" he asks.


The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"

"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"


"No!" she says again.

"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"


"No!" By this time, she was shouting.

The down-and-out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"


"What now?" the woman shouts impatiently.

"Might I please have a word with George?



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2395  PostPosted: 17 Feb 2018 17:15 
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Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2396  PostPosted: 19 Feb 2018 04:44 
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Custom: LORD REGINALD OF THE MANOR!
Not so funny ;eyes1

https://www.youtube.com/embed/-XmwEDPsJV0



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