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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2341  PostPosted: 25 Jul 2017 18:17 
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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a man from Aberdeen who had the same rare blood type was located working on the supply vessels. After quite a lot of coaxing, he was persuaded to donate his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation. The man and his wife, of course, were overjoyed.

A few months later, the surgeons found that the Arab's recovery was not going quite to plan and decided that he would have to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who, this time, was more than happy to donate his blood.

Following the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and complained, "I thought you would be more generous than that - last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2342  PostPosted: 25 Jul 2017 18:20 
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My wife left me because of my obsession with the monkeys,

" I thought she was joking...then, I saw her face..............



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2343  PostPosted: 25 Jul 2017 18:37 
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A learner failed the written driving test 4 times.

At the fifth attempt, the person was determined to pass. But the test had the same question: "You are driving at 60 mph. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road, you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit ?"

The person walked up to the examiner and said, "I've answered this question all four ways, wall, cliff, young man, old man. Yet I failed all four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit?"

Examiner : "The brakes!!!"



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2344  PostPosted: 25 Jul 2017 18:42 
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2345  PostPosted: 26 Jul 2017 00:10 
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Custom: LORD REGINALD OF THE MANOR!
Good one's, Keep them coming ... :lmao:
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2346  PostPosted: 26 Jul 2017 01:28 
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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2347  PostPosted: 26 Jul 2017 22:23 
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Think he means me. Lololololol



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2348  PostPosted: 03 Aug 2017 18:23 
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A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon (or 6.9 l/100 km).

Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid.

--------------------------------------

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 000 on his mobile phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting."

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

How long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

-----------------------------------

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."


-----------------------------

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father, how about you."

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

----------------------------

police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- put me down for a five."

-------------------------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

When he approached the gates of Heaven, St Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

---------------------------

"The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?

"He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"---------



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2349  PostPosted: 15 Aug 2017 17:59 
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DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
______________________________ _____________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
______________________________ _____________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
______________________________ _____________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
______________________________ _____________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
______________________________ _____________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. Their DNA's all match.
2. There are no dental records.
______________________________ _____________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' she says, and hangs up.
______________________________ _____________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
______________________________ _____________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
______________________________ _____________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
______________________________ _____________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a
bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
______________________________ _____________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder,
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance....
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'



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 Post subject: Re: A Few Jokes
Post Number:#2350  PostPosted: 16 Aug 2017 09:13 
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I can relate to a few of those that's for sure th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif th_lmao1-vi.gif



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